Shattering Stereotypes of what a Woman should be like since 1979
All good things must come to an end...
Well kids, its fall. All those fuck trophies are back in School, the NFL has Triumphantly returned and there seems to be some changes in the air. Specifically with me. See, I have some announcements to make that will affect this site and myself personally and well, what better way to make said announcements than all at once and on my very own site!
So here we go...
First and Foremost, and probably the biggest change will be my relocation to California as of November 2012. If you've never moved cross country, or even to a near by county or state before, then don't judge why i'm planning so far in advance. There's lots of things that go into a move in general let alone changing jobs, apartments, etc. Its a process and while I don't enjoy it i'll be much more prepared this time.
I'm very excited about this as I've always wanted to go back to Southern California to create a more stable and permanent existence there. While I love everything about New York (save for snow) and being a New Yorker, there is just something to me about SoCal. Maybe it's all the memories and friendships I have there, or the fact that its Sunny & 75 like 364 days out of the year. but regardless of what it is, it's where I want to call home and i'm very happy to finally feel the need/want/desire to stop moving around every 2 years and stay put for awhile.
The Second announcement, and probably what will be the most shocking to all of you is this;
I will no longer be doing Stand Up Comedy.
Yes i'm serious. And while I appreciate whatever kind words you would like to say this is something I have thought about long and hard. I love comedy. I have always loved comedy. The moment I first took the stage almost 5 years ago changed my life in so many ways, and all of them for the better. But the truth is that I do not have the time to dedicate to the craft and give it the respect it deserves.
I did not reach this decision lightly and I have wrestled with it for the last few weeks but when it comes down to it, I feel that this is what's best.
And that leads me to my Third Announcement. The fate of this site & my Twitter.
I started this site in April of 2010 because I was half bored and wanted to blog about things and promote myself in doing so. I had Twitter since 2008 but after starting this site I figured I would step it up on there and try and get noticed, hell maybe even have someone who wouldn't normally find me be able to do so and then find my site. I was doing Stand Up and realized this would be an even better way to promote myself. But with not doing Stand Up both this site and my Twitter account will be changing.
The site will be up for the next several weeks but it will be revamped and reinvented. I am going to concentrate on writing more and while it will still have the same style and wit you love, you may find instead of "I got drunk here's a funny story" posts, more thoughtful and politically themed posts. The contests, which were never successful anyways, will stop as well.
Now my Twitter, while still being me, won't be all attempted and failed at jokes, shitty one liners and general rants. It will be more interactive so if you follow me and aren't expecting any of that, I apologize. Hell, i don't even know why people follow me to begin with but you know, to each their own. So here's your out now - I won't be offended. I'm not doing this for followers but now more for networking and building contacts I have.
So that is it kids. Those are the big announcements. I've had a blast getting to know you all, well as well as you can in an imaginary land called "cyber space", and I hope to continue some of these relationships but won't be surprised or offended if some faded away.
Nixster
P.S. - Do not fret, the 'Dear Abby, I hate your Readers' rants will live on so long as I do.
The Online Dating Chronicles
Every now and again in life, I get bored. And when I get bored I think to myself, "Self, what can you do to shake things up?" and then I usually say "You know what you can do self? You can go on a bender and then hit the free clinic" but oh no, not this time kids. Nope this time i'm hopping on board the crazy train but this time, i'm taking you all with me!
That's right. I'm signing up for online dating using Match.com (That Christian Singles site wouldn't have me) and I'm going to chronicle the entire experience. Now, I have a profile thats probably over a year old, so for simple humor i'm going to leave it for now until the winner of the 'You create my online dating Profile' is announced.
I also have a few pictures up - all of which have been either a Facebook Profile Pic or a Twitter Avi. I will update you guys every day and when I receive an email from a guy I will print it here and then have my good friend Danny the Douche dissect how big or not big of a douche this guy is.
If I end up going on a date with any of these guys, I will also chronicle that with as many details as possible.
What do I hope to gain from this? I have no fucking clue. But if i'm going to suffer through this, i'm sure as shit bringing you all along for the ride!
Nixster
Dear Abby - This is your worst advice ever. EVER!!!
Well kids, for once its Abby herself who has pissed me off, NOT one of her readers! Matter of fact, I don't know how she can even live with herself after giving advice this poor. Its time to retire you old broad.
DEAR ABBY: After a messy divorce, I moved with my 17-year-old daughter "Allie" to Florida. I'm thrilled that she has adjusted so quickly to the lifestyle here, which revolves around the beach and backyard swimming pools. Allie now has a boyfriend, "Shane," who is 19 and in college. I like him, and it appears he likes me too -- maybe a little too much.
Shane lives with his parents down the street, and he's often at our house when he and Allie aren't in school. Because I work at home and my office is adjacent to the pool, I can't seem to escape him. When Allie is doing her homework or talking on the phone, Shane swims alone and does a fair amount of "preening." I have the feeling he does it to gain my attention. The other day, after jumping in the pool, he surfaced without his swim trunks and said the pool jets had ripped them off him. Then he got out of the pool and put them back on in front of me.
When I told him I found the situation embarrassing, he shrugged and smiled, leaving me feeling awkward.
Being from the Midwest, I'm used to people behaving and dressing more modestly. Here, it seems like anything goes, and the skimpier the clothing, the better. Am I a prude, or should I listen to my instincts that something is not right? And what do I say to Shane that will allow me to keep my dignity? -- TAKEN ABACK IN TAMPA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The pool jets did not rip the trunks off your daughter's boyfriend. It appears she is involved with an exhibitionist. If it happens again, tell him you find what he's doing to be disrespectful and offensive, and if he wants to parade his shortcomings at his own home that's his privilege, but at yours his pants should stay on at all times -- or you'll tell his mother. Shame on Shane.
And now....My take
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Are you kidding me? No really, Are you Fucking Kidding me?! re-read what you just wrote and then re-read it again. Then take a step back, look outside your window and re-read it AGAIN. If this isn't a 'Dear Penthouse' letter, i don't know what is.
A 19 year old boy, who is in his sexual prime, is showing you his goods and being suggestive and you're seriously not fucking him yet?! This is absurd. This is so beyond absurd it makes me almost sick to my stomach. Boys like Shane are the reason i'm not teaching History in a High School right now.
First off, I know for a fact he must be impressive down there because otherwise there would have been far more of a disgusted tone in your email. Secondly, Shane is totally not interested in your daughter, or if he is he's hoping to parlay the 1980's hair band threeesome of mother/daughter/shane and frankly, I applaud his efforts.
Finally, you got divorced recently which makes Shane the perfect way to recapture your mojo and get your Milkshake shaking, this way guys your own age to start coming to the yard. Ignore this dumb cunt Abby and Carpe Dieml!!
Or, at the very least have a shameful makeout session where you let him get to second base, you feign coming to your sense, cut him off and then give in again.
Contest: You Create my Online Dating Profile
Well kids, the parental pressure (see: mostly Grandmother guilt) and lack of a steady date to formal functions has finally crested and i've finally agreed to give it one last try. But here's the hitch - i want YOU to pen it for me!
that's right I want you guys to give me
A. A headline
B. That witty paragraph everyone loves
C. What I do for Fun
D. Favorite Things
I'll be accepting entries for the next week - until Midnight EST on Tuesday September 6th - and then pick the 3 best entries up here on the site for you guys to vote on. I'll then announce the winner on Monday the 12th via this website & twitter.
What do you win? I'm glad you asked! The person who gives me the best all around entry will not only be responsible for fulfilling my 87 year old grandmothers wish of me possibly having a steady boyfriend, you'll also be $50 richer!
No joke.
Email your entries to: Nixster@theoriginalnixster.com and in the subject line make sure to put: Online Dating Contest
Bring it on you crazy fucks.
Nixster
Can I be honest with you...
It was brought to my attention the other day by someone that they admired me for constantly living life such as I do. And while I find it awkward that they admire my alcoholism and debt it got me to thinking - I really do live a pretty amazing life. Is it as amazing as I want it to be somedays? Honestly, no. But what it sometimes lacks, in my perception, it more than makes up for by seeing myself thru others perception.
The upcoming anniversarry of 9/11 has put a lot of retrospect in me. I had originally had plans to be at the World Trade Center the morning of the attacks but decided the night before to cancel my plans. Why? Because I had only been back at work for 2 weeks after having 2 months off to deal with some personal issues. I didn't want to call in sick so soon back and so I phoned my friend the night before and asked if we could just reschedule things to Wednesday the 12th.
Who knew that such a seemingly innocent guilt trip would have such a lasting change to my world. In these last 10 years I have been a myriad of things including but there's one thing i've never been.
Regretful.
I live my life in a way that I wouldn't recommend for anyone else but not in a way in which i'm ashamed. I've had my fair share of moments and then some. I've even had cause to take a step back more than a few times and say "Is this really what i'm doing right now?" but in the end, when its all said and done, never in a million lifetimes would I trade one single moment.
Going thru everything i've been through hasn't just made me the person I am, its helped me show others that you don't have to be the person others expect you to be. I don't know if I would repeat every moment i've had, and some days I'd like to remember moments that are long since fuzzy and faded but no matter what, I've done more with this life in that last 10 years than others will do with theirs in 80.
There's no use living with fear. Because the only thing fear will do, is prevent you from greatness.
So from now on, when someone asks me about who I am, I will tell them this:
I have loved. I have lost. I have done it more than once. I have conquered fears, risen to occasions and had the opportunity to travel this amazing planet. I have given up completely, restarted and then given up again. I have made a room full of strangers laugh, I have made people I care about cry. I have been a rock for those who have needed one and been the clown for those who needed a smile. I have jumped out of a plane, snorkeled in the ocean. I have sipped champagne on the top of the Eiffel Tower, and split my pants on stage in Las Vegas.
I have ridden a bike along the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. I have been blessed with a family that doesn't just put the 'fun' in Dysfunctional but will prove to everyone else in the world that they supercede every other family that exists. I have been on a Reality TV show and I have been far from Reality. I have tattoos. I like sex, drugs and rock and roll. I have traveled to a different country to see a band and I have locked myself in a room while listening to one record on repeat for 2 days.
I have cried to the point that I can cry no more and I have laughed to the point that I can not stop crying. I have thrown up, fallen down and fought in public. I have tweeted. I have facebooked. I have myspaced. I have been arrested. I have been accussed. I have been taken advantage of emotionally and physically. I have always fought back. I have been vindictive to those I think have wronged me and I have been spiteful to those who might have deserved it.
I have been a mess, completely broken and I have glued myself back together. I have lived in 4 different states. I have had 4 best friends in my life and 2 soulmates. I have witnessed a miracle and I have witnessed a tragedy. I have lied to spare someones feelings and I have been honest to justify my own. I am talkative, thoughtful and a bit crazy at times. But I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
I am me.
An Open Letter to the Houston Astros Organization
Dear Figure Heads of the Astros Organization,
I would normally start this letter out with a question. That question would be "What the fuck?" However, something has become painfully clear in the last three or so weeks: You have no clue what the fuck is going on. Now let me first say, that I do not know the motives behind Jim Cranes request to drop payroll to 50 million, so if it is to create room in a 75 million dollar payroll to sign 25 million worth of solid players, I am on board. If you are just looking to ride out the next few years with a low payroll and keep fielding this current bunch of players, I can just stop watching and pretend that baseball no longer exists.
Brad Mills, you have absolutely no business managing a major league club. I say that with the utmost respect and sincerity. Your managerial style is suited for AA or even AAA ball. Specifically, I am referring to the manner in which you handle the pitching staff. Tonight, after 7 and 2/3's of solid ballsy effort, you pulled a pitcher that clearly wasn't done. And you did so to protect his confidence.
While Brett Myers certainly is not having the year that we all expected from him, and I think he would be the first to admit that, he is the true definition of a competitor. He wants to finish every game he pitches whether he is working on a CGS or 5 earned through 5, he wants to toe the rubber. Now I realize that at some point you have to look after his arm, and protect your investment, I get that, but look at what Nolan Ryan has done with the Rangers. He has set forth a precedent, an expectation that all of his guys will give him at least 7, and will go 9 whenever they can.
As a result, his pitchers have learned how to pitch through fatigue. It has developed a culture of pitching as much with your head as with your arm, and has taught his guys to pitch to contact, and be economical with their pitches. With the young bullpen that we have, thats a mentality that we need in our club house, and that is the exact attitude that Myers and Norris have. If you want to develop players, and worry about confidence, thats what A ball is for.
Now, Ed, I was incredibly happy that you came to the Astros, after your success in Philly, I thought you were exactly what we needed. I am now starting to have my doubts. Here are all of the moves that I disagree with, solely from this season's trade deadline. Hunter Pence to the Phillies. Did Pence need to be cashed in, absolutely, but to the Phillies? They weren't offering the best package for him. You took on two high risk high reward prospects from A+. The Braves offer was much more competitive. Especially considering the pitching prospects that they have. That deal would have allowed you to move Bourn to the Cincinnati Reds, who had desperate need for a lead off hitter and were still buying at the deadline. That would have allowed them to put Bourn in center, and move Stubbs to left, and bat Stubbs sixth, where he is way more comfortable.
Also, why didn't you move Barmes? Several teams were looking for a short stop, and at the time, Barmes was on a tear. That would have been a good trade to take on a high risk prospect, because Barmes is a short term rental for us anyway. Now, I know no one would ever think of taking on the atrocity that is Carlos Lee's contract. Who pays 20 M for a slow average fielding left fielder, who is hitting .264 with 12 homeruns, and he would reject just about any trade anyway, since you guys are paying him David Ortiz type money and he can stay at home on his ranch.
Also, why did you not trade Wandy? What were you looking for? I know the Yankees wanted us to pay an absurd amount of his payroll, and you cant throw money at it forever, but it was another chance to get young. Now you are going to have to try and waiver trade him, and will be lucky to get much in return. I can see that by wavier trading, and not asking for much, you may be able to corner any suitors into not asking for salary relief, so if it was just a money issue, that sucks but I get it.
Now, those moves are all in the past. Lets talk about where we go from here. What the hell are Chris Johnson and Brett Wallace doing in Triple A. And I SWEAR if you say "We moved them down to work on their confidence and find their swing, and to make roster room for Martinez and Paredes" I am going to slap you into next season.
Thats absolutely the dumbest thing I have heard, especially with Jason Michaels still on the roster. You have an opportunity to field an amazingly young talented team. Send Jason Michaels down. Waiver trade, or designate, or outright Carlos Lee. Or, better idea, Lee knows how to play the game, talk to him and see if he would be willing to ride out the year in Triple A and pass his wisdom on to some of the other guys. Here is what the lineup SHOULD look like.
1. Jason Bourgeois - R -CF
2. Jose Altuve - R -2B
3. Brett Wallace - L -1B
4. J.D. Martinez - R -LF
5. Chris Johnson - R - 3B
6. Jimmy Paredes - S - SS (I think the kid could handle the move.)
7. Brian Bogusevic - L -RF
8. Carlos Corporan - S -C
9. Pitcher spot
Pinch Hitters:
Matt Downs - R - INF
J.B. Shuck - L - OF
Sanchez, Manzella, or Villar can be a defensive substitution for Paredes, and Quintero, Towles or Castro as your back up catcher.
Replace Wandy with Clemens or Oberholtzer, and think about trying Cosart out in a closer or set up role if you think Melancon is the long term answer.
That puts your OLDEST position player at 29, with an average age of 25-26 for full time position players. Then, if Bourgeois is having the kind of year he is capable of, flip him for a couple more prospects.
Thats a young team of players that everyone would absolutely love to watch. If you need a clubhouse leader, leave Carlos Lee on the squad, or bring back Berkman.
Thanks for completely crapping all over Johnson and Wallace by sending them to triple A. Way to show confidence in your young cornerstones.
- Danny
'Dear Abby' just turned into an MTV Reality Show...
You kids won't believe this. If I didn't read it myself, I wouldn't have believed it. I would personally like to nominate each of these individuals for a Darwin Award if I could. Y'all should get on that ASAP!
DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and pregnant. The father of my baby is my stepbrother. It's my fault because I seduced him when we were home alone. Last night my sister said I need to go on a diet because I'm gaining weight, and she joked that I look pregnant. I don't think she has any idea that I really am.
I won't be able to hide this pregnancy much longer. My parents will go crazy, and my stepbrother will also be in major trouble even though it isn't really his fault. I can tell you my mom will not be understanding. Please help. -- DESPERATE FOR ADVICE
DEAR DESPERATE: You're right -- this is major trouble. But your parents have to be told, not only because your pregnancy will soon become obvious, but also because for the sake of the baby, you must have prenatal care. If you are afraid to tell them by yourself, then approach them with the help of another adult, either a close friend or a relative you can confide in. The only thing you shouldn't do is wait any longer.
And now my turn...
DEAR DESPERATE: So let me get this straight. You're 16 and you "seduced" your step-brother? What the fuck is your problem? Did you spend all day watching 'Cruel Intentions' and 'Dangerous Liaisons' and then think to yourself "This is it! This is my Golden Ticket! Now i'm gonna be like all those other pathetic 16 year old girls with dead end lives on an MTV show!!"
Also, how old is this "Step Brother" - actually you know what? I don't wanna know. Seriously i'm getting sick trying to even stomach your foray into being the next Casey Anthony. So here's my advice.
Tell your parents, give that baby up for adoption and then get some obviously long overdue psychiatric care.
Nixster
Oh but that's not all today kids. Nope, thankfully this 'Dear Abby I hate your Readers' Rant is chock full of retards!
DEAR ABBY: I am dating a woman who is a prostitute and have developed feelings for her. The problem is her "job" gets in the way. I thought I could be OK with this, but I am not. She says she needs me and wants me in her life. She has talked about getting another job, but nothing ever happens. What should I do? -- MY NAME'S NOT JOHN
DEAR NOT JOHN: This woman has already demonstrated that she is not going to change professions. What you should do is find a woman who isn't a prostitute and whose profession doesn't "get in the way." It will be healthier and less frustrating for you.
And now my turn...
DEAR NOT JOHN: You are no better than the twenty-something year old girl who latches on to a guy she thinks is "Oh so Great" but who has obvious commitment issues and will never change for her. You are the ass to forget her nastier ass she's had earlier in the day and i truly hope you've been double bagging her.
But you know she's a prostitute and this leads me to believe that you're a client that got too caught up in the pussy and now you're hooked like its heroin and you just can't let it go. But guess what homie, ya need to.
Prostitutes, Escorts, Whores - whatever you want to call them - make a lot of money without having to do a lot of work. You're telling me homegirl is gonna give up the Gucci and Prada bags and flip burgers just to help heal your bruised little ego? Nut up man! You're outta your mind. Get a clue and move on and stop whining like a 12 year old girl with a skinned knee.
Nixster
Ok kids, here's our final one and while its tame compared to the first two, I think I drove home the point to this twit.
DEAR ABBY: The other day my boyfriend discovered my diary and started reading it even though I asked him not to. I took it away from him, and he accused me of hiding something from him. I'm not hiding anything, it's just very personal. Is it wrong that I prefer to keep my diary a private matter? -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW YORK
DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: No, it's not wrong. Many people who keep journals also prefer to keep them private. What is wrong is your boyfriend snooping in the diary after you asked him not to, and then accusing you of hiding something from him when you told him it made you uncomfortable. If you have given him no reason to mistrust you, that's an indication that he is insecure and doesn't respect boundaries. And it's a red flag.
And now my turn...
DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: You're wasting Abby's time with this horseshit! Get a real fucking problem like seducing your stepbrother or dating a prostitute and then try again. Until then, grow the fuck up and tell your boyfriend that if he reads your diary again you won't put out.
He'll quit that shit faster than you'd believe.
Nixster
Its inevitable...
The Beginning of the End......?
Today a vote was held in Nassau County. The vote was for a referendum to finance the severely needed upgrading of the ever deteriorating Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Uniondale, New York; Home of the Historic, and once Glorious New York Islanders franchise.
When Charles Wang bought the team years ago he promised to restore this once unstoppable (4 Stanley Cups in a Row and 19 post Season Playoff appearances in a row) to glory and while there have been many a road block (Our GM's being the biggest culprits most of the time) the Team has finally started to gel and become a team to be taken seriously.
But in 2015 the long standing deal with the Coliseum is over and so are the chances of Long Island having a professional sports franchise (most people in Queens would tell you they're in 'The City' not Long Island even tho geographically, they're on LI) any longer. This is a sad reality that so many are ignoring because they don't care, or cause they're Rangers & Devils fans.
So i want to take this time to point out 2 things.
First:
To Anyone who voted "NO" claiming the Team should pay for its own building or that their taxes would go up "drastically" maybe you all should have researched this before you made up your mind with a bunch of scare tactics from people who know nothing.
Wang provided numerous plans and opportunities to pay for a new complex and to bring in new jobs and life to the area but Kate Murray & Company repeatedly ignored the looming problem and forced this hand. And now while people have scared you into thinking this is some enormous burden you probably should have reviewed facts. the facts are you'll pay far more for your school taxes than anything else in your property taxes - which should enrage you even more than a referendum for a new Coliseum especially if you don't have kids in a school district.
But its good to know the majority of people in nassau still have their heads up their asses.
Second:
With the large population in Suffolk County that are Rabid Isles fans that would Vote yes if they could to be able to continue to see their favorite team play BOTH counties dropped the ball by not making this a Joint County Referendum. Sure there would be some in Suffolk saying "Why should I pay for something in Nassau" but it was estimated that this referendum would only cost each property owning taxpayer $13.80 a year. COuld you imagine cutting that in HALF?! So what, $6.90 a year to keep a fabled franchise around??
Fucking Sold.
But i'm not surprised that this idea was never thought of considering the fact that not a single person has been thinking, save for Wang sometimes, since day 1 of all of this started.
So now i'm faced with the cruel reality that my favorite team may be no more in just a few short years - sure, they'll exist but not where they should be. Not where they belong. And to cheer for the newer version in Kansas City or even in Canada seems wrong and dirty, and frankly I won't do it.
Regardless of what happens tho, I'm proud of the Islanders and all they've meant to Long Island and to me as a fan, for so many years. the memories of games with my family & friends, attending the Stanley Cup playoffs, my first in person Hat Trick, Glass Breaking, fight - all of it will eventually be demolished. But I'll remember it fondly, and with love.
