DEAR ABBY: After a messy divorce, I moved with my 17-year-old daughter "Allie" to Florida. I'm thrilled that she has adjusted so quickly to the lifestyle here, which revolves around the beach and backyard swimming pools. Allie now has a boyfriend, "Shane," who is 19 and in college. I like him, and it appears he likes me too -- maybe a little too much.

Shane lives with his parents down the street, and he's often at our house when he and Allie aren't in school. Because I work at home and my office is adjacent to the pool, I can't seem to escape him. When Allie is doing her homework or talking on the phone, Shane swims alone and does a fair amount of "preening." I have the feeling he does it to gain my attention. The other day, after jumping in the pool, he surfaced without his swim trunks and said the pool jets had ripped them off him. Then he got out of the pool and put them back on in front of me.

When I told him I found the situation embarrassing, he shrugged and smiled, leaving me feeling awkward.

Being from the Midwest, I'm used to people behaving and dressing more modestly. Here, it seems like anything goes, and the skimpier the clothing, the better. Am I a prude, or should I listen to my instincts that something is not right? And what do I say to Shane that will allow me to keep my dignity? -- TAKEN ABACK IN TAMPA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The pool jets did not rip the trunks off your daughter's boyfriend. It appears she is involved with an exhibitionist. If it happens again, tell him you find what he's doing to be disrespectful and offensive, and if he wants to parade his shortcomings at his own home that's his privilege, but at yours his pants should stay on at all times -- or you'll tell his mother. Shame on Shane.


And now....My take


DEAR TAKEN ABACK:  Are you kidding me?  No really, Are you Fucking Kidding me?! re-read what you just wrote and then re-read it again.  Then take a step back, look outside your window and re-read it AGAIN. If this isn't a 'Dear Penthouse' letter, i don't know what is.

A 19 year old boy, who is in his sexual prime, is showing you his goods and being suggestive and you're seriously not fucking him yet?! This is absurd.  This is so beyond absurd it makes me almost sick to my stomach.  Boys like Shane are the reason i'm not teaching History in a High School right now.

First off, I know for a fact he must be impressive down there because otherwise there would have been far more of a disgusted tone in your email.  Secondly, Shane is totally not interested in your daughter, or if he is he's hoping to parlay the 1980's hair band threeesome of mother/daughter/shane and frankly, I applaud his efforts.

Finally, you got divorced recently which makes Shane the perfect way to recapture your mojo and get your Milkshake shaking, this way guys your own age to start coming to the yard.  Ignore this dumb cunt Abby and Carpe Dieml!!

Or, at the very least have a shameful makeout session where you let him get to second base, you feign coming to your sense, cut him off and then give in again.