It was brought to my attention the other day by someone that they admired me for constantly living life such as I do.  And while I find it awkward that they admire my alcoholism and debt it got me to thinking - I really do live a pretty amazing life.  Is it as amazing as I want it to be somedays? Honestly, no.  But what it sometimes lacks, in my perception, it more than makes up for by seeing myself thru others perception.

The upcoming anniversarry of 9/11 has put a lot of retrospect in me.  I had originally had plans to be at the World Trade Center the morning of the attacks but decided the night before to cancel my plans.  Why? Because I had only been back at work for 2 weeks after having 2 months off to deal with some personal issues.  I didn't want to call in sick so soon back and so I phoned my friend the night before and asked if we could just reschedule things to Wednesday the 12th.

Who knew that such a seemingly innocent guilt trip would have such a lasting change to my world.  In these last 10 years I have been a myriad of things including but there's one thing i've never been.

Regretful.

I live my life in a way that I wouldn't recommend for anyone else but not in a way in which i'm ashamed.  I've had my fair share of moments and then some. I've even had cause to take a step back more than a few times and say "Is this really what i'm doing right now?" but in the end, when its all said and done, never in a million lifetimes would I trade one single moment.

Going thru everything i've been through hasn't just made me the person I am, its helped me show others that you don't have to be the person others expect you to be.  I don't know if I would repeat every moment i've had, and some days I'd like to remember moments that are long since fuzzy and faded but no matter what, I've done more with this life in that last 10 years than others will do with theirs in 80.

There's no use living with fear.  Because the only thing fear will do, is prevent you from greatness. 

So from now on, when someone asks me about who I am, I will tell them this:


I have loved.  I have lost.  I have done it more than once.  I have conquered fears, risen to occasions and had the opportunity to travel this amazing planet.  I have given up completely, restarted and then given up again.  I have made a room full of strangers laugh, I have made people I care about cry.  I have been a rock for those who have needed one and been the clown for those who needed a smile.  I have jumped out of a plane, snorkeled in the ocean.  I have sipped champagne on the top of the Eiffel Tower, and split my pants on stage in Las Vegas.

I have ridden a bike along the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.  I have been blessed with a family that doesn't just put the 'fun' in Dysfunctional but will prove to everyone else in the world that they supercede every other family that exists.  I have been on a Reality TV show and I have been far from Reality.  I have tattoos.  I like sex, drugs and rock and roll.  I have traveled to a different country to see a band and I have locked myself in a room while listening to one record on repeat for 2 days.

I have cried to the point that I can cry no more and I have laughed to the point that I can not stop crying.  I have thrown up, fallen down and fought in public.  I have tweeted.  I have facebooked.  I have myspaced.  I have been arrested.  I have been accussed.  I have been taken advantage of emotionally and physically.  I have always fought back.  I have been vindictive to those I think have wronged me and I have been spiteful to those who might have deserved it.

I have been a mess, completely broken and I have glued myself back together.  I have lived in 4 different states.  I have had 4 best friends in my life and 2 soulmates.  I have witnessed a miracle and I have witnessed a tragedy.  I have lied to spare someones feelings and I have been honest to justify my own.  I am talkative, thoughtful and a bit crazy at times.  But I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

I am me.