Tssh. Women.

I have heard complaint after complaint from girlfriends of mine, who shall remain nameless, whose insecurities get the best of them.

Why doesn’t he love me?

Answer: Because you don’t love yourself, bitch. It’s true. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll constantly question people’s love for you. So stop your fucking whining, get off the floor you’ve cried on for the past 10 minutes, and grow a pair.

Why isn’t he talking to me?

Answer: He’s annoyed. He’s watching tv or playing with his xbox(double meaning there). He needs space and independence from you texting his cell phone ever 5 minutes. I hate when girls do this. It makes the whole mother fucking species of women looks like needy, insecure, attention whores. Wait. Aren’t we?

Why can’t I be skinny?

Answer: You’re a glutton for mutton. Yeah, put down the ice cream bowl with hot fudge and start walking. Maybe walk off a cliff and save yourself the heartache. It’s not rocket science. It’s called eating right and exercising. Exercising is not flipping the remote or programming your TIVO or DVR. It requires the movement of the ass.

Am I just a booty call?

Yes. If you’re barn is open for business, yes he will put his horse there. (Horse is an overstatement for most). Vacancy is convenient.

Wah wah wah.

Listen, I believe women are single for a reason. Some by choice. Some because they don’t want to end up in a damn relationship graveyard. Where independence goes to die. I think single women should embrace their independence. Sure we get horny and get off on our couches by watching Johnny Depp in Chocolate periodically, from time to time. Sometimes the occasional asshole bangs his way into our cootch. But if you have to have a guy holding your hand every second of the day, you may want to invest in a blow up doll or seek some fucking therapy. Some Vicodin will create an imaginary friend for you.