I hear far too often the statement “Men are dogs.”  Well you know what, that statement is 100 percent true.

Exhibit A: Dogs typically eat the same type of food everyday.  So do men.  Now when I say men, I mean real men.  Chest hair having, can fix a car, and thinks not wearing pants makes it a good day, type of a man.  A real man.  If you ask a real man what he wants for dinner, he isn’t going to say tofu, or I am in the mood for something different.  The answer is going to be meat.  It could be hamburger, it could be steak, it could be chicken fried steak.  But you know what its not? Its not a $%&@ shish-kabob.  That’s not real man food.  That’s something we put on a fake smile and eat because you want us to.  Much like dogs, we like to please women so as not to get yelled at, or even beat.

Exhibit B: We are willing to scratch ourselves, and we don’t really care who is watching.

Exhibit C:  You try to train us, just like you do dogs.  When we step out of line, you yell and tell us no.  Occasionally you make us sleep on the couch.

It comes down to this:  At the end of the day, our needs are fairly basic.  We just want to be fed regularly, our bellies rubbed (yes, it will make our legs shake) and what we really want, is to watch our football in peace.  What happens when you try and pull your dog’s food bowl away while he is eating?  He snaps at you.  Well, it’s the same with a guy.  And for all of you ladies out there that don’t understand what the big deal is about football (or sports in general) let me break it down for you. 

A man’s football team is his identity.  It is how we bond with other guys.  It is how we make friends, and friendly rivalries.  It is tradition.  Football teams get handed down through generations of men much like jewelry does amongst women.  It is a group that we can identify with.  It is completely okay for us to talk badly about our football team, but will rap a person right in the mouth if they talk too much smack about it.  You women who don’t watch football should learn to enjoy it, or embrace our love for it as a pass to go do whatever you do.  Seriously, find out when your guy’s team is playing, and then tell him you are going to get a pedicure or going shopping, he will gladly fork over the credit card to have 3 hours of peace to watch his team.

Now before you start bitching about that being all we want to do, lets look at the facts: 

1)     You will know early on if we like football.  If we do, don’t act surprised when we want to watch it.

2)     Most men typically either prefer college football, or the NFL.  There are a few of us who prefer both, but they are a minority.  If your guy is a college guy, there is a night game on Thursdays, and then football all day on Saturday.  If he is an NFL guy, Sundays are off limits.  Monday night football is only 3 hours, and if you have a DVR, then you can still get your shows while we watch our game.  DO NOT ask us to DVR the game so you can watch your show.  A tape delayed game is miserable compared to the live thing.  Inevitably, we will get a text, or a facebook status update or a tweet about the score, and about how shitty our coach is, and all that does is build up our disappointment.

3)     You women make us suffer through some of the most unbearable shit on the planet, and for the most part, we don’t say shit about it.  Lost: Gilligan’s Island with guns and no Ginger/Mary-anne.  You made us watch for an hour a week for an average of 20 weeks a year, for ten years a soap opera about a bunch of already dead people who aren’t dead in an alternate universe, or maybe they are, or maybe its pergatory… on an island.  Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice.  Its pretty much the same show.  We get it. Doctor’s are whores.  McDreamy and McSteamy are nice to look at.  How the hell have these shows been dragging on for as long as they have?  I guarantee, that if you go through any couple’s DVR that has been together for longer than a year, and both members are over the age of 25, women will have more programming on there than the men. 

4)     We might drag you out to maybe 2 movies a year that you don’t want to see.  You guys make us suffer through an average of about 2 “romantic comedies” a month.  Show me a guy who’s favorite movie is “The Notebook” and I will show you the true San Francisco treat. How to Lose 27 Dresses at a Big Fat Greek Wedding Because He’s Just Not That Into You.  That’s right.  You heard me. 

5)     Chores:  We never tell women what to do.  Are there certain expectations in a relationship? Sure.  We may expect you to be in charge of the laundry, you may expect us to be in charge of the lawn, or the trash.  The difference, we don’t nag you while you are trying to relax about them. 

When you get down to brass tax, it comes down to two things for most men, food, and football.  The college football season is typically 13 games, at 3 hours a piece.  That’s 39 hours of television.  The NFL is a little longer, maybe 51-60 hours depending on playoffs.  However, most of us only need 4-8 weeks to know if our team is going to be worth watching.  So when you talk about the 20 hours of Grey’s anatomy, the 20 of Private practice, the 20 of Lost… there’s 60 hours of television that you’ve made us suffer through right there.  Now add in shit shows like Say Yes to the Dress, Millionaire Matchmaker, Vampire Diaries, Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek, Smallville…and it gets quickly out of hand.

So, either learn to watch it with us (Most of us are willing to teach if you are willing to learn, and there is nothing sexier than a woman in a football jersey and some skimpy shorts.) or just let us have our red meat and helmet to helmet contact and leave us alone.

Danny the Douche