Women, please stop trying to change the way I dress.  I do not give two shits and half a piss about fashion.  In fact, I don’t even believe in the term fashion.  Why?  I am so glad you asked.  First of all lets talk about the nature of fashion:  Every year or season some magazines come out with some designers with European names that sound like they could be terrorists (and sometimes fashion wise they are.) come out telling me and everyone else what to wear.  If I wanted someone to tell me what to wear I would join the military, or get married.  Secondly, there is WHAT these people tell us to wear.  Lets look at some of the things that have been in “Fashion” in the last few years:

Animal Print- Ladies what you have to understand is this… what men like most about animals (animals are not the same as pets) is that they can be killed grilled and we are filled.  That’s it.  I have never in my life wanted to take a leopard home from the bar.  When we go out looking for “tail” that’s not quite what we had in mind.  Now this doesn’t include panties, but skirts and tops it has to stop!  If you have the stones to go out in a cow print skirt, I have the stones to walk behind you saying “Mooooooo” and it has nothing to do with you being fat.  And for the girls that take some more “unfortunate” girls with them to the club… since they are doing you the service of making you look pretty by comparison, the LEAST you can do is not let them out of the house in some atrocious shit!

The whole dark lip liner thing – What are you?  Chlamydia the Porno Clown??   Lips should be one color.  I mean I remember when blue lipstick and eye shadow was cool, and then it was green for awhile… and some of you could even pull it off, but the whole dark lip liner thing….  It makes you look like you have a mustache….and if you DO have a mustache it makes you look like you highlighted it.

Painted/Drawn On eyebrows – Okay now this is a tricky one.  Some women have really thin eyebrows and need a little touch up to help them out.  That’s okay.  Some women though…. I met a girl that actually WAXED her eyebrows off and then drew them on… only it looked like she used a set of map pencils…. Where did you learn that was sexy?  Some special social studies class gone awry? “Man coloring that map was fun…hey my eyebrows look like Italy!”  And then there are the ones that get them tattooed on.  I have nothing to say to you.  Its just creepy.

Popped Collars and Pink Polos- You fucking sheep! BAAAAAAAH! Guys, how the fuck did you let yourselves get talked into this?? You fucking Doucheasaurus Rex!  The entire reason women think pink is sexy on a guy is because it means the guy is a moron that can be talked into absolutely anything.  And nothing screams D-Bag like a popped collar….  I mean I know they do it in Windy/Cold climates… but they are trying not to die…. And they used to do it on leather jackets… and that was okay too… but for you to do it on your pink short sleeved polo… I hope you end up on the wrong end of an R Kelly video.

Skinny Jeans-  I blame Europe for this.  No, I blame the French for this. In world war 2 the French couldn’t protect their own country, so we all started teasing them about being artsy pussies.  This was their revenge.  Skinny jeans.  Europeans walk everywhere.  Americans do not.  Most of us are bigger than they are, and yet they still convinced us skinny jeans are a good idea.  Now we have a bunch of people wearing skinny jeans and 80s rock T shirts from bands they had to google to find their music walking around acting all European.  If I wanted to feel like my dick was duct taped to my leg I would have gone to Lilith Fair.  You know those same people wearing skinny jeans are the same ones that made fun of the “cowboys” for wearing Wranglers.  Oh the irony.

Hypercolor – Oh here is a good idea….. lets make a shirt that changes color when it gets hot….  That’s like taking a black light through a motel 6 hotel room.  You are going to highlight some nasty shit that you didn’t really want to find out about.  Pit stain and boob sweat for everyone!

Ed Hardy/Affliction – Okay so MMA fighters are badasses, and they can wear whatever the fuck they want because all they are going to do is get in a cage and beat the shit out of someone.  Or they will get the shit beaten out of them, in which case an affliction design or Ed Hardy print is great at hiding blood stains.  And even more, their face is swollen from being punched in the face.  They don’t give a fuck what they look like.  But to the 38 year old trying to fit in with the younger crowd by wearing Ed Hardy and covering up that bald spot.  No amount of urban camouflage will save you!

The other problem I have with fashion is that it changes so frequently.  Every year something new comes in style which means you fashion conscious pricks run out and buy all of the newest fashion.  Now if you live somewhere other than Texas, you have seasons… and each season has a fashion.  That means new clothes every SEASON. Lets say that everything they taught us in elementary school wasn’t complete horse shit for a minute and say that each season has 3 months.  That’s 12 weeks roughly.  Now say you wear an outfit every 2 weeks.  That means you will wear that outfit 6 times before it is out of fashion.  Now how much did you pay for it??  Lets say 100 dollars for some designer skinny jeans, and 20 dollars for the “Vintage” (and by vintage I mean a designer made it look old for you) 80s rock band Tshirt?  That’s 120 dollars… that means you are paying 20 dollars every time you wear that outfit.  I should be a fashion designer… I could come up with something ridiculously absurd every year and you sheep could pay me millions for it…  This years fashion… PEACOCK…. That’s right… if Ed Hardy can get away with it, I can too.